Memories and Trauma

Can you remember something that happened in your childhood that greatly affected how you are right now?

Why I’ve become quiet
I was in first grade and a very active child. I love running around. I am noisy, always shouting like any other kid. One day my teacher approached me and told me I’m so noisy. She hears me anywhere she goes. Then I wasn’t aware how I become quiet. Now it takes time for me to get comfortable around people and be the noisy me again.

Why I have bad penmanship
This is simple. My sister has a bad penmanship. Me, being a fast learner, quickly absorbed her way of writing. When I was in high school, her teacher (which was also my teacher) then told me that we got the same handwriting.

I don't have bad handwriting. I have my own font.

Translation of my handwriting: I don’t have bad handwriting. I have my own font.

Why I don’t say bad words
I hear words. I say them. I don’t know their meanings. The more they tell me not to say, the more I scream it out loud. I remember a chase scene at home. I got my mouth slapped by flip-flops and chili about to get squeezed or squeezed into my mouth. I learned my lesson and learned to love spice dishes too.

Why I don’t know how to cook
It was raining when the mobile food stall stopped near our house. In Manila, it’s a bike with stove on the sidecar where they fry fish ball, squid ball, etc. Customers will just grab sticks and pierce through the balls of their choice. My hand slipped and went into the boiling pan. It happened so fast, lucky not to get burned, but it was really hot. Got afraid since then.

How I look like when cooking.

How I look like when cooking.

Why I started to compare myself
I was in fourth grade and still love playing on the streets, during break time and after class. My teacher asked me, what’s my class rank was. My elder sisters are on top of their classes. I was average. I love to play and to watch TV. Did I study since then? Yes, but I unconsciously seem to have avoided stuff they’re good at. I didn’t run for the school government, I joined a community organization. I’m not good in chess, I compete in track and field, darts, dodgeball and cheer dance. I’m not comfortable acting on stage, I was on backstage but still made myself distinguished.

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15 thoughts on “Memories and Trauma

  1. It’s funny the things we learn to be afraid of as a child. I was told I couldn’t be an angel in the nativity play (at 5 years old) by a teacher because my singing was not good enough. I’ve never sung in public since that day!

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  2. Nice post. Trauma, in all of its forms, is such a powerful force. We never know what effect events & people in our childhoods will have on us later- that’s why it’s so important to choose words carefully, *especially* with children.
    I remember once in elementary school…I must have been ten or eleven, and my chorus teacher was playing a song that had meaning for me. I started to cry, right there in front of my whole class. The teacher noticed and basically yelled at me to stop it. I felt shamed and invalidated. I always feel ‘weak’ when I break down and cry in front of other people, like I should be tougher or something. The rational part of me knows that’s ridiculous- I can cry if I want to! But wow…hadn’t that about that in awhile!

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  3. Well, I can’t play Broken Vow, though. I can’t dance. I can’t run. I have bad grammar. I am ill-tempered. You are better. Ask Mommy and she always say ikaw ang pinakamabait niyang anak. Hihi! ^_^

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  4. I think that a lot of the things that we go through in childhood stays with us. Usually we can vividly remember times that were either extremely happy or trauma of some sort. Great post!

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  5. Pingback: Something New for January 6th: Sun-Dried Fish | Loads of Something

  6. Pingback: Pain caused by my teacher | Loads of Something

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